Choosing Forgiveness: Finding Hope and Moving Forward

In Parts 1 and 2 of this blog, I discussed how understanding forgiveness and
acknowledging our anger can offer hope after deep, personal, and unfair hurt. Another
important step in the forgiveness process is deciding whether to forgive.

Deciding to Forgive

The second phase in Enright’s (2001) 20-unit model of forgiveness is the
Decision Phase. After exploring anger and other feelings related to the abuse, one may
realize the way they have been coping with their pain is no longer working, and they need
to do something different to help them move on (International Forgiveness Institute, How
to Forgive). One may experience a ‘Change of Heart’, a decision to change one’s life in
a more positive direction (Enright, 2001). The individual first explores what it means and
looks like to forgive as a way to cope and heal before making the decision to forgive their
abuser. A college student in my forgiveness class shared the following about making the
decision to forgive,

Another insight that I took away from these readings was the power you give to
yourself when you choose to forgive. This concept is counterintuitive since I grew up
believing that the power was held by the one who showed the anger. Those who hold
resentment are typically only hurting themselves.  Forgiving does not mean you are
giving up power. By forgiving, you can emPOWER yourself to move forward from
the anger and resentment to be a better version of yourself (Personal Communication,
March 2022).

One makes the decision to forgive even though the feelings have not yet
developed. Those feelings develop during these phases. Work and Deepening Phase. Deciding to forgive and committing to the forgiveness process gives one hope that they are in control of their healing, even if it is difficult. Harrison Miller, an Ohio State football player who
recently shared his experience with depression, states, “I would just say hope is just
pretending to believe in something until one day you don’t have to pretend anymore.”
Hope is believing that things will get better even if they don’t feel that way now. Hope is
making the decision to forgive and committing to the process, even if one does not feel the

No matter how my own healing process continues to unfold, and no matter what
conflicting feelings I might have about my mother attending my graduation in May —
I am grateful right now to know that forgiveness is an option, to know forgiveness is a
healthy option, and to know I have the information and support I need to keep going
on my healing journey. As a human who has suffered, I now have faith in the healing
potential of forgiveness… even as I am still working towards giving that gift to my
offender. As a counseling student, I am now genuinely awed by the possibility of
forgiveness as an option for my clients to consider in their own healing journeys
(personal communication, Fall 2020).

Why forgive

I am often asked “why forgive,” and my response is always the same: “What’s
the alternative?” Although forgiveness cannot undo the injury or damage caused by the
injury, it allows us to move forward in our lives without the negative effects of all-
consuming anger, hatred, and resentment. It offers a way to heal and have hope for the
future, while acknowledging what happened was wrong, unfair, and extremely hurtful.

As stated by an incest survivor in my dissertation study 10 years post-intervention, “It
(the study) changed my life. “It changed what I thought forgiveness meant. I realized it
wasn’t pardoning someone but relinquishing the anger and how it had controlled me”
(personal communication, 2004).

Sherri Woodbridge (2020), a former columnist for News Today, writes about
having PD and hope, and her words are a reminder that healing occurs one day at a time
and every sign of change is powerful and hopeful. She states:

You sit down upon the wreckage that lies around you. How will you ever find or feel
normal again when everything lies ashen and lifeless, both inside and outside of you?
If you look closely enough, you can see new life emerging from the ground near
where you sit. It seems almost impossible, but it is there among the charred remains.
It is only two small leaves, but they are enough to fill you with renewed hope as you
begin the process of restoring your spirit and rebuilding your life. And so, you do:
You rebuild — with hope — one precious day at a time.

Forgiveness is not easy. It is often one of the most difficult journeys a person will
ever undertake. It takes courage to face painful memories, acknowledge anger, and choose to respond with compassion and empathy, and in ways that promote healing rather
than deepen resentment. Forgiveness is not a single decision but a process, one that
unfolds gradually and at a pace that is right for each individual. Forgiveness restores
something many people lose after experiencing deep hurt: a sense of agency. Instead of
allowing the offender to determine the rest of their story, people discover that they still
have choices. They can choose compassion over bitterness, hope over despair, and
healing over remaining controlled by the past.

It is my hope that this essay brings you one step closer to healing. Whether
forgiveness becomes part of your journey today, months from now, or years in the future,
remember that you are more than what happened to you. The injustice you experienced is
part of your story, but it is not your whole story. The belief that forgiveness and healing
are possible, even after deep, personal, and unfair hurt illustrates hope for a better future.
Know that you are not alone in your journey and that others are walking alongside you.

p.s. This blog discusses the first two phases in Enright’s and colleagues’ process model of
forgiveness. For more information regarding the complete model, please see Enright’s
(2001) book, Forgiveness is a Choice, and the references listed below.