Recognizing that forgiveness is a choice, and understanding what it does and doesn’t mean, can offer hope to people who have experienced deep, personal, unfair hurt. Forgiveness does not erase what happened or require reconciliation. It offers another possibility for healing, on a timeline that works for the injured individual.
I have recently been thinking about “hope” and noticed how much has been written about its importance for so many people who are suffering. I’ve seen a variety of articles that mention hope in relation to the environment, climate change, racial equality, cancer, and Parkinson’s Disease. Seeing hope discussed in multiple articles across various populations shows how important it is to have hope, even in the worst circumstances. Veronica Chambers, in a NY Times article discussing slavery and racism, states, “We had survived the unsurvivable time and time again; cultivating hope wasn’t frivolous, it was essential” (2022). Thus, hope isn’t just nice to have; at times it is essential for survival in unbearable situations. Without hope, the will to live can diminish. One may stop caring about themselves and others, and their belief in achieving a good life may decrease. Hope, although scary, is directly related to a person’s belief that they can cope and move beyond the abuse or trauma they have endured. As Suleika Jaouad (2022) states in her blog post, Hope Grows in Brooklyn, “Hope has felt dangerous to me in the past—and in some ways, I remain a bit wary of it.…… But to get past the fear and step toward hope is what I have to do. I want to live a forward-looking life, anchoring myself in the things that are true and good and beautiful”
Hope and Forgiveness
I automatically connect hope to my work on interpersonal forgiveness as a way to heal from deep, personal, and unfair hurt. In this blog post, I will discuss why I believe choosing to forgive can offer individuals who have experienced the trauma of child abuse or any deep hurt hope of healing and the power to move beyond their abuse. It is normal and natural to feel angry and hopeless as a result of childhood trauma or another deep, personal, and unfair hurt, and one has a right to these feelings for experiencing something no individual should have to go through. If one believes that healing is impossible and/or there is nothing that can change their current attitude, feelings, and thoughts toward their abuser, it is likely they will feel despair and quite hopeless. Forgiveness offers an option for healing that allows one to hope and have faith in a better future, while also acknowledging that the abuse they experienced was unfair, deeply hurtful, and unacceptable. As a forgiveness educator and expert on the topic, I aim to be a bearer of hope to those who have suffered from deep, personal, and unfair hurt.
Many misconceptions exist regarding what forgiveness means and the process of forgiveness, which has led to skepticism about the value of forgiveness. For individuals to choose to forgive, they first need to know what it means to forgive and contexts appropriate for forgiveness (Freedman & Zarifkar, 2015). Forgiveness occurs in the context of deep, personal, and unfair hurt, in contrast to everyday annoyances (Smedes, 1996). Enright (2001) offers a well-known definition of forgiveness based on North (1998):
Forgiveness Defined
When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the offender compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts (p. 25).
Forgiveness occurs when one experiences fewer negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward an offender and, over time, perhaps a gradual increase in positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. No one should be forced to forgive, as forgiveness before one is ready usually leads to false forgiveness (Freedman & Zarifkar, 2015). Knowing it is their choice to forgive gives the individual hope, as they are in control of their own healing and can make the decision when they are ready. As Linda Sanford (1992) discusses in her book, Strong at the Broken Places, we are not in control of what happens to us as children, but we are in control of how we respond as adults. The following quote, attributed to Viktor Frankl, also reflects the idea that one has the power to choose how to respond to circumstances: “Between stimulus and response lies a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose a response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness” (Stephen Covey, 2010).
Common misconceptions about forgiveness that may prevent individuals from choosing to forgive include beliefs that forgiveness means excusing, condoning, forgetting, denying, and/or thinking forgiveness is mutually exclusive with justice. None of these are true. Forgiveness is having the courage to face and acknowledge one’s hurt, as well as truly feel the emotions related to the hurt. Forgiveness does not mean that we deny or excuse the offender’s wrongdoing or deny or ignore one’s feelings of pain. As she explains in her article, “Wrongdoing and Forgiveness”, forgiveness requires a recognition of the wrongdoer’s responsibility for his action. Other misconceptions include the belief that one cannot forgive unless they receive an apology from the offender and that forgiveness automatically leads to reconciliation. An apology and admittance of wrongdoing may be important requirements for reconciliation, but forgiveness is something one can do on their own, without any response from the offender. Thus, the knowledge that one does not need anything from their offender to forgive can offer survivors hope that healing is in their hands and not dependent on whether the abuser apologizes or admits to wrongdoing. These actions matter for reconciliation and can make forgiveness easier; however, they are not necessary.
Forgiveness can offer hope to individuals who have experienced deep, personal, and unfair hurt. However, it is important to understand what forgiveness means and what it does not mean. Forgiveness does not require us to excuse, condone, forget, or deny the wrongdoing, nor does it mean that we must reconcile with the offender. It is a choice that individuals can make when they are ready, and it does not depend on receiving an apology or acknowledgment of wrongdoing from the offender. Knowing that forgiveness is an option, and that healing is possible, can offer hope for a better future.
Suzanne Freedman is a Professor of Human Development in the Educational Foundations and Professional Experiences Department at the University of Northern Iowa. She was the recipient of the APA Dissertation Award in 1993 for her groundbreaking research on forgiveness and incest survivors, published in 1996 in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. Suzanne has been studying the topic of forgiveness for over 30 years, and her publications focus on the psychology of interpersonal forgiveness and forgiveness education with children, adolescents, and adults. She has presented at numerous national and international conferences on the psychology of interpersonal forgiveness. Suzanne Freedman is a contributing writer and researcher for the International Forgiveness Institute. Suzanne Freedman is the author of the curriculum, The Courage to Forgive: Educating Elementary School Children About Forgiveness.
October 12, 2026
Suzanne Freedman
University of Northern Iowa
freedman@uni.edu
References
References
Chambers, V. (Chambers, V. (2022). The Wallpaper That Is Also a ‘Reminder That My Ancestors Had
My Back’. New York Times, March 25,
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/03/25/realestate/harlem-toile-wallpaper.html
Covey, S. (2010). Foreword to Prisoners of Our Thoughts: Viktor Frankl’s Principles for
Discovering Meaning in Life and Work, Second Edition, by Alex Pattakos.
https://www.univie.ac.at/logotherapy/assets/pdf/Covey_intro_to_Pattakos_Prisoners.pdf
Discover Forgiveness. (2021). https://discoverforgiveness.org/ Enright, R. D. (2001). Forgiveness is a choice. Washington, DC: APA Books
Enright, R. D., and the Human Development Study Group. (1991). The moral
development of forgiveness. In W. Kurtines & J. Gewirtz (Eds.), Handbook of
moral behavior and development (Vol. 1, pp. 123-152). Hillsdale NJ: Erlbaum.
Freedman, S. R., & Enright, R. D. (1996). Forgiveness as an intervention goal with incest survivors. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(5), 983-992.
Freedman, S. & Zarifkar, T. (2015). The psychology of interpersonal forgiveness and
guidelines for forgiveness therapy: What therapists need to know to help their
clients forgive. Spirituality in Clinical Practice, 3(1), 45-58.
International Forgiveness Institute. https://internationalforgiveness.com/
Jaouad, S. (2022). Hope grows in Brooklyn, April 17.
https://theisolationjournals.substack.com/p/hope-grows-in-brooklyn?s=r
Miller, H. (2022). Former Ohio St. football player delivers powerful message to anyone
struggling with depression, March 21.
https://www.today.com/health/health/former-ohio-
st-football-player-delivers-powerful-message-anyone-strugg-rcna20822
Mind Love podcast by Melissa Monte. (March 8, 2022). Surviving the Worst and
Creating the Best with Jennifer Kauffman.
https://www.mindlove.com/podcast/surviving-worst-creating-best/
Murhpey, C. (April 9, 2022). Running from the past. DarleneJHarris.com
https://darlenejharis.com/2022/04/09/running-from-the-past-2/
Sanford, L. (1991). Strong at the Broken Places: Overcoming the Trauma of Childhood
Abuse. Avon Books.
Shriver, M. (2022). I’ve Been Thinking… Maria Shriver’s Sunday Paper, February 27,
https://createsend.com/t/t-721EA0F08B9337752540EF23F30FEDED
Shriver, M. (2022). I’ve Been Thinking…. Maria Shriver’s Sunday Paper, Rise Above,
April 17, https://createsend.com/t/t-D2485061A15210162540EF23F30FEDED
Simon, T. (April 8, 2022). Daily Good: Giving Your Heart Over to Real Change with
Sharon Salzberg. https://www.dailygood.org/story/2918/giving-your-heart-over-to-real-
change-tami-simon/
Smedes, L. B. (1996). The art of forgiving: When you need to forgive and don’t know
how. Nashville, TN: Moorings.
Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris Podcast. (April 8, 2022, Episode 436), Brené
Brown Says You’re Doing Feelings Wrong. https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-
episode/brene-brown-436
Wade, N. G., Hoyt, W. T., Kidwell, J. E., & Worthington, E. L. (2014). Efficacy of
psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: a meta-analysis. Journal
of consulting and clinical psychology, 82(1), 154–170.
https://doi.org/10.1037/a0035268
Woodbridge, S. (2020). Rebuilding your life with hope. Parkinson’s News Today,
https://parkinsonsnewstoday.com/2020/10/12/rebuilding-life-hope-wildfires/
Discover more from Darlene J. Harris
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
